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Neglect? Abuse ? from Partner/Family

Discuss The Guptra Programme's Amygdala Retraining Techniqes

Neglect? Abuse ? from Partner/Family

Postby caro16 » Thu Feb 25, 2010 7:37 am

Hello Everyone,

What seems to come over to me from reading various posts, is that many of us who are battling with illness (at near breaking point sometimes) are not being given kindness, support and acceptance from those around us. Lack of support, lack of kindness (especially to people in pain or ill), lack of respect, lack of thoughtfullness, is NEGLECT. Make no mistake about it and do not be in denial about it. Your feelings and emotions are being neglected.

Neglect is a form of abuse. Also, if you have to suffer shouting, name-calling, threatening body language, swearing, temper, glaring, and many more tactics like this, it is bullying.

If you are being emotionally neglected or bullied or not respected for who you are, this will have a severe impact on you as a person. Even if the behaviour is from your family who say they love you. (They are not consciously trying to hurt you maybe, but are simply struggling themselves or maybe are just selfish or mean).

I believe we attract people in our lives (partners, for example) that treat us the way we have always been treated, ie the way our parents treat us. We believe that this is okay, even though subconsciously we know it isn't. For example if you have been emotionally neglected as a child (but cared for in all other ways such as lovely clothes, toys and food), you may attract a partner who is also emotionally neglects you, but buys you nice things.

A pattern is set up. Learned responses are developed in response to emotional neglect or abuse, such as dependency, panic, breathing problems, tension, stress patterns, and other behaviours of the body.

While Gupta deals with these things in his program, he cannot go into each and every patient history, so it is important for us, the patient, to be aware of CORE ISSUES i.e where these feelings of 'lack of self-worth' came from. Did your family (not their fault) set up these responses in childhood? And did you take them with you into adulthood? And do you still have neglect or abuse happening in your life, even mildly? Your parents probably tried to do their best for you so don't lay blame on them or anyone else, just be aware of the issues. Do not be in denial. Face them. Then you can look at them objectively and choose what to do about them.

The Gupta program is a healing tool to get yourself in emotionally good order so that you can eventually address the balance of your life and the relationships, stresses, etc. I think it is important to have some insight into core issues in order to get properly well. And deal then consciously with life.

(Example: Mother is a tyrant in the home always wanting house to look perfect and children to be seen and not heard. Hence stress as a child is set up, carried forth, then along came a second stress (partner) treated person just the same (more stress), then along came virus and Wham, ill health).

I notice alot of people, both here and in the real world :-) who are being de-humanised (i.e. not being allowed outlet for their emotions) are either in denial about it (because they do not know what to do about it), or are BLAMING THEMSELVES. Never do this. Never say 'my partner doesn't support me when I'm down' and then say 'but that's okay it's just me' or 'I need to be stronger' or 'I need to be more understanding'. Never do this because you are denying yourself. You, as a person, deserve to be supported, listened to and helped when you are down. No excuses.

People are often in denial because if they face up to a fact, it means they have to do something about it. And then the problem is that they don't know what to do, or how to do it. After all, we are all locked in to our families, love em! Gupta does not tell you what to do either, he does not patronise. Gupta shows you what is happening in your body and makes you aware (conscious) of your reactions to those feelings. He leads you down the path of wellness, so that you are enabled to take charge of your own emotions and responses, thereby being in a position to help yourself, being in possession of all the tools. For example, rather than giving thirsty people in Third World countries a drink of water, you give them tools to make a well, so that they can get their own water.
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Re: Neglect? Abuse ? from Partner/Family

Postby alicewoolf » Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:21 am

I think its a bit of an exaggeration to say that people who aren't being supported are being 'neglected' or 'abused'. Real abuse is a very serious thing but people being selfish and self-absorbed about an illness they clearly don't understand is another thing entirely. The poeple around me are largely sympathetic but I have experienced lack of support etc. Their problem not mine. One can only truly depend on oneself. I can't change other peoples' attitudes, only my own...
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Re: Neglect? Abuse ? from Partner/Family

Postby CS1 » Thu Feb 25, 2010 11:49 pm

yep work on your CORE ISSUES as i have been saying for so long - this is what is pulling me through.

Particularly your issues around the time that you became ill and all the positive around the time you became ill.

Neglect is on of my CORE Issues



Regards
CS :)
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Re: Neglect? Abuse ? from Partner/Family

Postby caro16 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 6:08 am

Yes, we all must look at these issues and own up to them.

If you are emotionally neglected don't say it's ok, or don't put the blame on yourself. If you do this you are letting the other person off scot free, so hey presto they will keep on doing it.

Gupta gives you the skills to be calm and make choices.
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Re: Neglect? Abuse ? from Partner/Family

Postby niaholt » Fri Feb 26, 2010 8:21 pm

I agree with you. Some of us oldies were brought up in a time when no one complained about much, our parents out of the great Depression era so it was stiff upper lip if you had a roof over your head, a meal and a job. Did not matter that your father terrorized the household every night in an alcohol induced stupor. Your sister was the worst bully, and your mother saw nothing. There were no Oprah shows where everyone displayed their souls.... shame and abuse were kept inside 4 walls.....no counselors to bleat to then.

Many of us carry the scars today. Our bodies had to be on high alert to the potential dangers in our homes which were supposed to be a sanctuary. Add to the mix difficult marriages, sick children, caring for aged parents and bingo you are DONE. The Amygdalas were over worked back then.

I discussed this with my Psychologist this week. We talked about the conscious mind thinking it had forgotten all the unpleasant stuff that has gone on in life, but the cells of the body remember everything. Subconscous mind remembers most. As a result the body remains on high alert if we happen to be genetically challenged.

The Gupta program has given me back to me,taught me how to relax, educated me to know exactly what is going on anatomically , and how it relates to CFS. No one has done that before. Therefore I can tame the tiger in me that is CFS by being watchful, protecting myself from my own thoughts, nurture myself in new way thru meditations, avoiding anything that can bring my Amydgala into an over stressed environment.

Some of us have not been so fortunate to be accepted by our families. This has been so hurtful as many of us have been house bound for yrs.. Yes this is neglect in the highest order. ( why is everyone so shocked when some old lady lays dead in a flat for 3 wks). However harboring resentment will only make us sicker....have to let it go. This is easier said than done sometimes. I can admire myself now for having survived....not waste energy thinking of those who dont understand. How would they have survived is the big question?

By whatever means we came to this illness, trauma, virus, prior issues are very prominent for some. Facing core issues, is a way out of this, understanding and accepting yourself for who you are, not over analyzing yourself. Co dependent issues,...yes I put everyone's happiness before mine in those years.... CFS was the jackpot prize for this addiction.
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Re: Neglect? Abuse ? from Partner/Family

Postby caro16 » Sat Feb 27, 2010 9:00 am

Hi,

Yes, the body remembers things, and while it's not good to lay blame (just forgive, let go and move on), we must address issues and be aware of things going on in our own environment.

Once we are conscious of a problem, however small, we can examine it. And sort it, and find peace.

So if partner or family is not supporting you in your 'dips' this is a real problem. Do not say 'Oh, it's just me' or 'I must hide it because they don't want to know'. If something is a problem to you, then it is a problem, whether partner/family/friend address it or not. If they don't, and it is bothering you, they are neglecting your feelings.

Gupta allows us to fine-tune our conscious mind so that we don't live with frustration. Even small thoughts, feelings and stresses can be brought to consciousness in the moment. Calmly.

Wake up and smell the coffee! Or as Ashok says, 'The view from the top is good'
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Re: Neglect? Abuse ? from Partner/Family

Postby Gattone » Sat Feb 27, 2010 11:29 pm

even if one is neglected what he/she could do? reclaiming for your rights may cause even more negative reactions in other people who could treat you even worse
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Re: Neglect? Abuse ? from Partner/Family

Postby caro16 » Sun Feb 28, 2010 4:47 am

The point is that being emotionally neglected or abused by those around us is very de-humanising, not least frustrating.

Gupta does not tell you what to do about things, he does not patronise, simply gives us the tools to become calm and centred, thereby allowing us to define our own choices in a conscious way, rather than be led by frustration or fear.

For example, we may choose to kindly explain to the 'offender' that it might be nicer if they helped rather than critisised. (Sometimes, when we are in a whirl of frustration, we can't feel calm enough to do or say simple things effectively).

We make our own choices. Gupta gives us the skills to do it, calmly and confidently.
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Re: Neglect? Abuse ? from Partner/Family

Postby alicewoolf » Sun Feb 28, 2010 6:59 am

yes I agree with Gattone. what can we do to change other peoples' behaviour? Its all very well being 'calm and centred' but I have many many times expressed my need for support to those around me. I neither blame myself nor do I say its ok but only other people can decide if they want to change. And please STOP using the word 'abuse'. its simply not right to use that word in this context.
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Re: Neglect? Abuse ? from Partner/Family

Postby caro16 » Sun Feb 28, 2010 8:34 am

Parental neglect is abuse, (as is emotional neglect).

Abuse simply means 'misuse of'.

It is a matter of concern for many people.
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Re: Neglect? Abuse ? from Partner/Family

Postby alicewoolf » Mon Mar 01, 2010 7:52 am

Abuse doesn't 'simply' mean 'misuse of'. see below. a bit heavy-handed don't you think? I think anyone who has suffered real 'abuse or 'neglect' would be deeply disturbed by your use of the word. yes its tough when people don't understand or don't help 'neglect, maybe... but 'abuse'? well to my mind that's off the scale.

a·buse (-byz)
tr.v. a·bused, a·bus, ing, a·bus·es
1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse: abuse alcohol; abuse a privilege.
2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use.
3. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest.
4. To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words; revile.
5. Obsolete To deceive or trick.
n. (-bys)
1. Improper use or handling; misuse: abuse of authority; drug abuse.
2. Physical maltreatment: spousal abuse.
3. Sexual abuse.
4. An unjust or wrongful practice: a government that commits abuses against its citizens.
5. Insulting or coarse language: verbal abuse.
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Re: Neglect? Abuse ? from Partner/Family

Postby caro16 » Mon Mar 01, 2010 2:39 pm

The purpose of this thread is really to address the fact that many people are being mistreated (to use a different word) and perhaps emotionally neglected, by family/partner.
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Re: Neglect? Abuse ? from Partner/Family

Postby annie » Mon Mar 01, 2010 3:42 pm

I suspect that everyone on this site will have experienced emotional neglect from someone close at some time. it hurts like hell. in the past, before m.e, i have probably, in fact certainly, been guilty of the same albeit unintentionally. there is no easy answer to it all, but, i find, that bitterness never got me anywhere. proper boundaries are important, and many of us are very lonely, that is all part of having a severe, misunderstood illness.
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Re: Neglect? Abuse ? from Partner/Family

Postby caro16 » Mon Mar 01, 2010 4:23 pm

Yes, I just read a thread under the topic 'Gupta and severe CFS' where the member said he/she felt bullied into being active, and unsupported by family, which is very upsetting. I think Gupta gives us some help with trying to stay calm in the face of all of it.

Gupta helps us to become conscious of things so that we can address them instead of letting them frustrate us. But there is no easy answer to family who refuse to take a serious illness on board.

If anyone has any tips on how to deal with family/friends/partner who are insulting us, name-calling (such as lazy), bullying or victimising us in any way, please lets share them.

I think we all have experienced it to some degree.
Last edited by caro16 on Tue Mar 02, 2010 3:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
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