2 weeks in - initial response

[i_remember_me]

Hi everyone

Just wanted to add my own initial experience to this board as it sounds similar to some other posters (neil_l in particular). I work part-time so have been able to devote at least half the week to watching the DVDs, using the technique, meditating etc.

After watching sessions 1-3 on YouTube, I felt a great relief and sense of freedom, and for the next 3 or 4 days kept repeating in my mind "You're TOTALLY fine, it's all over, it was just an illusion". Everything about Ashok's theory makes 100% sense to me, so it feels like I've seen the twist at the end of a long film and suddenly everything that's happened is thrown in a new light (eg. "so THAT'S what was happening when my hypoglycemia got much worse as soon as I'd identified it was a problem", "so THAT'S why new treatments always seem to stop working", etc). For those days I felt better than ever, was active and cheerful, which convinced me that Ashok's "just let go and keep breaking negative thoughts" approach was spot-on for me.

The day I started the programme I felt really motivated, doing the STOP process literally hundreds of times as I battled all the negative thoughts. That night, however, I slept terribly - even more broken that usual - and I REALLY started to ache from all the hand thrusting, moving around and talking involved in the process. It felt like the process was looping endlessly in my head all night, with anxiety about unbroken negative thoughts as I slept, and I couldn't calm it down. I softened the physical side of the process down over the next few days and the aching went, but my sleep has remained MUCH worse than usual ever since. I thought the meditation would help - alas not yet. Am I scared of negative thoughts taking place as I sleep, I wonder?

I'm also finding it harder to identify negative thoughts 2 weeks in, and am not sure if they're slowing down or if I'm getting lazy with the technique (now used only about 30-50 times a day). On really bad days I go kind of numb mentally, feel very depressed and it feels like one long negative thought. Generally I spot negative thoughts by a sudden spike in adrenaline, but they're incredibly fleeting a lot of the time. I notice it says not to use the programme if you're clinically depressed. Could this be my problem? I've never even tried antidepressants, and can be very upbeat when I'm feeling well.

I also have another underlying fear about the program that I'm struggling with and I think may be hindering my progress. Having felt more unwell than usual so soon after starting, I think I have a subconscious fear that the programme is going to make me worse, if nothing else by making me aware of the fact that my symptoms aren't set in stone, caused be an unresolved biochemical problem that I'm managing through supplements and pacing, but rather can get better or worse simply through what I'm THINKING. Now that I realise how ill my amygdala, and the negative thoughts that fuel it, have made me, things suddenly feel more out of control, like I could accidentally use this knowledge for bad and somehow THINK myself worse. Perhaps now I realise the power my negative thoughts have, I'm even more terrified of them and this is keeping them going. Anything that affects my sleep scares the hell out of me, and I'm deeply troubled by anxiety about anxiety and worries that I will "ruin" the technique by over-thinking it - which is exactly what I think I'm doing right now!

And one final thing. Since starting the programme I realise that I've let my pacing slip way too much. Firstly because it's the anxiety that keeps me disciplined (eg."MUST MUST MUST get to bed early or I'll be a wreck tomorrow"). Secondly because I've felt like all these pacing measures were unnecessary now I'd discovered the "true" cause. Foolish of course - my body still needs time and care to heal itself. My struggle now is to maintain the discipline required in the absence of any anxiety - without that nagging voice in the back of my head, I go hopelessly off-course.

Can anyone offer any advice or motivation please?

[pam11]

Here are a few thoughts-
Take your initial positive response as evidence of the fantastic potential this program has for you!
Ashok says to do the Stop technique in a calm and assertive manner, and to smile through the whole process, so that we don't rev up our systems. I think this is really critical. Also, it's more important to be relaxed and calm about the technique than to catch every single negative thought, i.e., if you catch every negative thought by being on edge, it's not worth it. You don't have to be 100% perfect for it to work.
I tell myself that positive thoughts are stronger than the negative ones. I believe this- love is stronger than fear. You had lots of positive thoughts going in the beginning (i.e., hope and optimism) so that shows you can do it again.

[spring]

People often have an increase in anxiety i_remember_me, just keep with it and you will find a rhythm which suits you.

When I worry about poor sleeping now I remind myself that actually I will be ok tomorrow and even if I am a little tired life will be fine. That relieves pressure I would have otherwise put on myself and therefore settles down the amygdala. As you get more and more well a poor nights sleep won't lead to as many nasty symptoms as when you are very sick.

Continuing to pace is as important to us as for anyone recuperating from a serious illness or injury but it doesn't have to be the very strict CFS pacing required prior to gaining our knowledge about the amygdala and the techniques for getting well. Yay!

During times where you feel like negative thoughts or feelings are running constantly and you can't separate them to do the stops, it may help to do a series of stops every hour no matter how you feel. I find this helps settle down my negative feelings and thoughts and also reinforces the process of switching a negative thought or feeling to a positive.

Pat yourself on the back for making a good start and continue with confidence while not trying to get it 100% at this stage.

[i_remember_me]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, I really appreciate it.

For now I've decided to stick to the twice-daily meditation and alternate nostril breathing to help calm my whole system down before I restart the main stop technique, as I feel too highly strung at the moment to do it without getting a spike of anxiety with each occurrence.

I'm also finding it's helping to picture vividly the amygdala inside my brain as a separate entity to my 'higher consciousness', which has the ultimate control. Almost picturing it like a stressed out animal that needs constant reassurance and calming from the more highly-evolved parts of my brain, rather than indulging and whipping up into a frenzy. This is helping me to dissociate myself from the feelings of anxiety and negativity and reinterpret the signals the amygdala throws up as just tricks of the mind - the stressed out animal that I can choose to keep calming down.